Last year I wrote about my extraordinary experience of healing (or transmuting) one of the biggest emotional pain experiences of all - that of heartbreak. Since then, that experience has become my benchmark for handling difficult emotional pain. I think something like, "If I can change that, I can heal this (fill in the blank). Before that experience, I did the dance of avoidance with my repressed pain. Which is not fun, because eventually it resurfaces at the most inopportune moments. (sigh...she knows of what she speaks)
I am happy to say that I have now faced something else which was quite difficult to bear. I didn't even have a name for it at first. But I recognized it as it came up - again.
The situation: I had been stuck on what seemed like a merry-go-round of trying to answer the question of how I wanted to live my life. How did I want my daily life to look? What kinds of activities, especially in regard to my website and spiritual work, did I see myself becoming immersed in? What would make me get up at 5 AM with excitement and bring a sense of joy and fulfillment at the day's end?
I literally have been struggling with this line of questioning for a few years. In my written journals, I have come back to that question repeatedly.The problem was that I got all fuzzy-minded when attempting to picture the answer to the question.
Now, as I look back, I have been dancing around the answer by focusing on things that touched upon my true Heart's Desire. But I could not get clear on exactly what IT was.
The longings of the Heart cannot be ignored. My touch-and-go - "tag, you're it" - approach to finding the answer just made the longing stronger. As I have explored my options and looked at the lives of others who exemplify an aspect of what I really want, I started to feel something of despair. I couldn't let myself jump wholeheartedly into that thing, that way of life, because it still danced around the REAL thing.
So, how did it happen? How did I finally get to that elusive answer?
It started when I realized how much I was trying to copy what the other people are doing that I admired and who exemplified a part of what I'd like to do. But in an effort to follow their example, I was getting side-tracked. I decided that I needed to focus back on what about me is unique.
I told Sanamus, "As I look at the situation now, I am determining what it is about me that is unique that I can give instead of trying to be like everyone else."
He responded with the question, "My Love, what would be the most healing thing for people to see - to be exposed to?"
My answer: "I think the answer you are looking for is us and our Love."
And this made me quail within. I mean, among the five learning centers set up on our website, there is a lot of unique stuff. But I admit that I have buried SoulMate or Twin Flame Love in the Center of Soul Light and Love section of the website with veiled terminology.
This part of my life is definitely the most life-changing and special and unique aspect of my life but only a small number of people know about it. I have only shared it with a few people. Always, the thought of making all of it more public was met with, "Oh, no!"
Knowing that this was part of the answer for which I was looking, I became terribly upset. I didn't want to do it. What a quandary!
A mass of emotion rose up and I called upon my newly-formed skill of accessing Love within all things. And lately, I've been asking Compassion to help perform that link with my Awareness.
My request became, "I ask Compassion to link my Awareness with the Love held within what I am feeling." I didn't attempt to label it.
I felt the shift in energy immediately. Tears welled up. After a few moments, I realized that a large part of the feeling was that of "being scared to death."
I repeated the above Awareness-link a few more times, changing the request to "...what I am now feeling" to account for the changes happening in what I was feeling.
After feeling somewhat better, I decided to simply increase the World of Love resonance within me to help it shift further. Then I removed my attention from the situation altogether and just did what I enjoyed the rest of the day.
A day later, I feel lighter. I started the day with Sanamus in our Garden Home. He is so wise. He had me share what was on my mind (I tend to wake up with stuff downloaded or shifts in place). As I did, it poured out from me in simple terms what I wanted my life to be like - how I wanted to live my life on a daily basis. It was right there, clear and simple!
The Awareness of Love links that I did yesterday made my Heart's Desire plainly visible. Sanamus agreed. He said that it was a wall of fear that hid it from me.
A wall of fear. Wow.
Now, as I look at that Heart's Desire, I feel so calm and peaceful about it. In fact, I finally feel at rest. I can move forward.
We just have to make Love stronger with our Awareness, and things magically change!